Posts Tagged 'bertazzoni master series' presents “The Universal Constant”

There it is, Marty.

This is the most inexplicable thing I have ever seen. In all my travels across timelines and parallel universes, in my journeys through space and time across sixteen dimensions, this is the one constant, the one universal standard that never varies, and against which a plane of being may be measured and found wanting: The Bertazzoni A304GGVXE Master Series 30″ Pro-Style Natural Gas Range.

I’ve seen Americas where Huey Long led a revolt against the dictatorship of Charles Lindbergh.  I’ve been to Earths where the Mayans conquered Europe and altars are erected  to Ixtab and Ah Pukuh in Paris and Rome. I’ve traversed dimensions where the stars never coalesced, and radiant intelligences undulate across clouds of inert gas.  And in them all, there is always this Bertazzoni range.

Isn’t it stunning? How humble the universe must be! How inscrutable! Because whatever marvels there may be, whatever unimaginable wildernesses and galaxy-spanning wonders, there doesn’t seem to be a single universe that lacks its triple-glass door or balanced air-flow fan. Worlds wildly disparate — from the world where Agaz-Umatah merged with the galactic core to form a supermind that makes human intelligence look like that of a rock to that where dreams interact with space with all the certainty of gravity — all possess this same natural gas range. It seems there is no universe imaginable without it’s 15,000 BTU Dual-Wok burner or its subtle, delicate low-simmer function.

Don’t you see, Marty? It’s stainless-steel construction and convection function are not only marvels of domestic engineering, but fundamental and immutable universal attributes. One might not be remiss in suggesting that existence itself hinges upon these four sealed burners and an unmatched ability to broil.

In addition to being a fundamental universal constant, the Bertazzoni A304GGVXE Master Series 30″ Pro-Style Natural Gas Range is available for sale at


Enter your email address to follow this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

Join 13 other subscribers

%d bloggers like this: