Archive for the 'Tables' Category

AppliancesConnection.com presents “Securing Your Home Against Bloody Mary”

Ok, so the first and best thing about the Nova Stealth Round Console Mirror is that it provides your home with an unparalleled level of security. How can it do that, you might ask? After all, it’s just a trick infinity mirror, isn’t? It gives you the illusion of an infinite tunnel of light, but there’s nothing terribly special about it when it comes to the safety of your home and family, is there?

That’s where you’re wrong. Because the Nova Stealth Round Console Mirror, with it’s unique and eye-catching construction, gives you the most important protection of them all: no more need you fear your children will be taken into the realm of the dead by Bloody Mary or the Bell Witch.

We all played those games as children. We’d go into the bathroom, or some other room in the house with a mirror, and we’d flip the lights off and on while chanting “Bloody Mary” or “I believe in the Bell Witch” until she would presumably appear in the mirror and drag you off. You’d be gone forever, left to torment in the spirit world. I don’t know about you, but I always chickened out at the last second. Everyone I know did. But what if your children don’t? You need to keep their safety in mind.

The Nova Stealth Round Console Mirror (and its cousins) provide you the valuable service of not reflecting your face; instead, you get an endless tunnel of light. Without a face in which to manifest, the Bell Witch or Bloody Mary simply cannot appear, and your children and your home will be secured against their vendettas or machinations or other wicked spells and whatnot.

And instead of the Bell Witch, you get to contemplate an eternal, peaceful void. If anything, it’s a pathway to a much happier land than wherever it is Bloody Mary resides. And since it’s just an illusion anyway, there’s not a chance that either of these ghosts could use it as a pathway into your home. No, they need faces, and this mirror does not provide them.

And it’s very stylish, too. It’s a Jon Gilmore design from NOVA Lamps, a leading manufacturer of modern household accents. It’s battery-powered, so there’s no unsightly cord coming off of it, and it’s made of the finest brushed aluminum. So it both looks great and protects your home from folklore ghosts.

I make no guarantees about boogeymen, phantom hitchhikers, escaped mental patients with a single metal hook for a hand, the Jersey Devil, or Spring-Heel Jack.

Protect yourself and your children from mirror-related ghosts at AppliancesConnection.com!

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AppliancesConnection.com presents “Outbreak: The Adirondacks”

Now this is luxury. Basking in the sun in the middle of the scenic Adirondacks, enjoying the crisp air of the early spring. The leaves are bright and green and seem to stretch on into forever, as if this wood was the whole world itself. Up here, taking in the expanse of Upstate New York, it’s easy to believe that we’re the only people in the world, and that there’s no massive zombie horde almost certainly chasing us down, and perhaps even now lurking in this sylvan wonderland, stalking between the trees in dread pursuit of our flesh and blood, that they may feast.

So just kick back, relax, and take a seat on any one of these beautiful Adirondack chairs.

I’m a pretty big fan of this one, the Cedar Delite Western Red Cedar Small Adirondack Chair with Exterior Stain. It’s made with 100% beautiful Canadian Western Red Cedar in that classic Adirondack style that just screams “weekend at the Finger Lakes with FDR in a world totally not swarming with the undead.” I mean, yeah, FDR had to fight a war, but that’s gotta be less stressful than the collapse of all human civilization under the weight of a zombie plague. So let’s just pretend that never happened for a few days and relax. We’ve got a lot of travelling ahead of us coming up.

No, I don’t hear anything.

Nothing is more relaxing than this elegant, sloping grain. We can lay out and forget our horrifying worries, and dream a little dream of swimming and brandy and little tiny hot dogs on sticks. And unlike our deathly pursuers, this wood is extremely resistant to decay, so it’ll be looking beautiful long after this entire continent has been abandoned to the walking dead.

Stop panicking. Nothing’s out there, probably, and even if there is, there’s nothing we can do about it, so let’s just kick our legs up on this Rectangle Western Red Cedar Coffee Table, set your drink down on the Red Cedar Atlantic 17″ Round Table, close our eyes, and drift off. If the hordes burst in tonight, I want them to see how utterly unconcerned we were, and how comfortable and refined, before we start breaking it apart to use as weaponry.

Zombies or no, AppliancesConnection.com has all the Adirondack chairs you could ask for.

AppliancesConnection.com presents “Hey you! Get in here!”

Listen, kid! This is a newspaper, and that is news! A super-powered vigilante swinging up and down the city? He’s a menace, and I don’t care that you’ve got a big midterm coming up  — I expect photos on my Butler Connoisseur’s Writing Desk in time for the morning edition! You can sleep when you’re dead!

You may be just a freelance photographer, but I write your checks, and I sign them right here, on top of this warm chestnut finish! These Gemelina solids are putting you through college to that fancy-pants science degree, and I expect you to do what I say, and when I say I want top-notch photos of Bug-Man or Web-Lad or whatever he’s calling himself before the crack of dawn, you had better get me those photos before the crack of dawn! 

It took me a lifetime of work to earn my place behind these delicate gold highlights and dovetailed storage drawers, so don’t be a slacker!

I’m a busy man, too! I like nothing more than going home and kicking up my feet on my Butler Metalworks Octagonal Cocktail Table, but instead I’m here burning the midnight oil! I expect no less from my photographers, especially with that insect-themed threat endangering this city! Why, he could drop out of the sky at any moment! The public needs to be informed, and not even it’s distressed cherry veneers or hand-forged metal base can pull me away, so I won’t have you slouching just because you need to brush up on particle physics!

I swear, if I don’t get enough photos from you to fill up my Artists’ Originals Tobacco Leaf Chest, you will be out of here as sure as it’s rich brown finish was applied by skilled artisans! Why, that masked troublemaker managed to take out half a city block in Midtown during his fight with that Doctor Whatsisface maniac, and I need your photos to expose him for the plague he is! And I’ll do it, too, or my name isn’t —

Hey. Where’d the kid go? Always vanishing on me, that one.

AppliancesConnection.com presents “They Fight Crime!”

So. The ratings are low, ad revenue is down, and you need a hit on the cheap. Something we can explode out of the gate without needing a huge budget. Well, have I got an idea for you:

The Incompletes. He’s a down-on-his-luck ex-truck driver from the wrong side of the tracks who plays by his own rules. She’s a fast-talking expert statistician with a gambling addiction and nothing left to lose. Together, they’re taking down Jaros Zarka’s criminal syndicate — one bastard at a time. It’s 21 Jump Street meets CSI meets Hill Street Blues meets NYPD Blue. And the best part? Everybody in it is nine years old.

We can skimp on the sets by scaling everything down so that the kids look like adults. It’s genius. And I know just how to do it: Fun Furnishings. These are teeny-tiny, kid-sized furnishings perfect to help scale the set down. We can do sofas, chairs, and, um, beanbags. Nothing says “prime time vigilante drama” like a well-placed beanbag chair. It just screams action and drama. And even if it doesn’t — it’s not like we’re spending a lot of money on this.

They’re perfectly scaled, inexpensive, and made entirely out of lightweight, flame-retardant foam. And they have unmatched versatility — the sofas and chairs fold out into sleepers, so they can double as beds! All we have to do is get the foley guys or whoever to pick ’em up and move ’em to over to another part of the set, toss a blanket down, and boom! We got a bedroom! Perfect for our grizzled heroes to angst about how they’re gonna stop Zarka’s latest nefarious operation.

And there are so many different colors and patterns — our sets will never get boring even we stay under budget! The kids will be engaged in full-on pitched battles over colorful sofas in Zarka’s decadent office. Sure will look great in HD! And for more somber scenes? The Central Park Sleeper Sofa‘s got that covered, too.

I can see it already. Right where ER used to air, we put on The Incompletes — no, they won’t be able to tell they’re kids. Just stick fake goatees on ’em and nobody’ll be able to tell the difference.

The viral marketing alone will make us millions.

AppliancesConnection.com presents “Spiderlegs Everywhere”

ImageDon’t you get it, Danny? Now we can pack up and move just like that.

Sure, maybe it’s a little spartan, but think of the convenience!  I’ve consolidated our entire house into a series of lightweight, portable briefcases. That’s the beauty of Spiderlegs.

No, your mom is going to absolutely love it. Don’t like the neighbors? Well, saddle up, Cindy Lou, because every single item of furniture in our house is now a Spiderlegs folding table or chair. My office? Spiderlegs. Our living room? Spiderlegs. Our dining room? Spiderlegs. Spiderlegs everywhere. Now, if that little feud of your mother’s with Mrs. Potts next door gets any worse, we can pretty easily bolt.

These beauties will fold up at the drop of a hat. It takes maybe three seconds — five at the outside — and you’ve gone from the sturdiest bench you’ve ever put your butt on to a wooden carrying case that only weighs twelve pounds. We could have this whole house broken down and ready to be emptied out quicker than a speakeasy with a squealer. What better way to say to your neighbors “I really don’t appreciate that tree you planted next to the property line” than by ducking out like a thief in the night, leaving only the tattered remains of that above-ground pool we never finished rotting in the backyard, in full view of Mrs. Potts’ veranda? We could be out of here in an hour, Danny.

Seriously. This chair folds faster than a pair of twos on a fifty-thousand-dollar pot. You could break an office down in under eight seconds if you had to. Not saying that you’ll have to.

And then, the next thing you know, we’re holing up in an apartment in Reno, ready to bolt at a moment’s notice. Spiderlegs lets you set up and tear down quick and easy. And it’s not just practical, kiddo — look at that finish! That’s red mahogany over the choicest birch solids. Birch, Danny. And they even do custom sizes! Yessirree Bob. This is the furniture for us.

Yup, I’ve pulled out all the stops, and the moment — the moment — your mother says the word we are going to be out of here.

I’m just saying we might need to cool our heels in Mexico for a while.


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