Archive for March, 2012



AppliancesConnection.com presents “The Mummy’s Curse”

Listen. I understand. You were just enjoying your vacation to Egypt, taking a nice stroll around the Valley of the Kings. You certainly didn’t intend to desecrate anything, did you? No, of course not. And when you stumbled — by accident, of course — into the tomb of Sheteptawy, did you mean to break a couple a of canopic jars? No. That would be ridiculous.

But it’s what happened, and now you need to deal with it. You broke those jars, and now you’re under Sheteptawy’s curse. So we have a couple of options here: either you can spend the rest of your life in abject terror because that old priest of Set is about to shamble around the next corner, arms outstretched, with his dead eyes filled with the certitude of his revenge, or we can take steps to keep you safe. And I have just the solution: Ecosmart Fire.

Stop crying. Everyone knows that mummies hate fire. I mean, well, I guess everybody hates fire, but mummies? Mummies are literally dried-out corpses from the middle of the desert. They’ll go up like kindling. So the best way to feel safe is to trick out your house with these bioethanol indoor fireplaces that flame up with the flip of a switch. If Shetaptawy does go ahead and show up, you just turn these babies on and he’ll run screaming into the night. Or lumber awkwardly away moaning into the night. Either way, he’ll be somebody else’s problem.

And we can outfit your place in whatever mummy-deterring arrangement suits you best. They’ve got both wall-mounted and free-standing models. Tactically speaking, I think the free-standing ones give you more versatility, but there’s something to be said for the drama of having the walls set aflame at your command. Ole Sheteptawy might think you’re Ra himself when he sees the room light up with the flick of your wrist. It’s both an effective mummy deterrent and a convenient, elegant way to light your home, so I mean, this is win-win, buddy.

And they’re all fueled by bioethanol, a renewable, environmentally-friendly energy source, which means that you don’t need to worry about planet Earth when you’re worrying about Numero Uno. The only emissions are heat, steam, and carbon dioxide — which is, I’m told, also effective at keeping away the undead. The bioethanol creates a beautiful dancing flame sure to terrify any mummy that sees it. And the freestanding ones don’t need any installation at all — you just set ’em up, turn ’em on, and watch as sweet security descends upon your homes: now perpetually mummy free.

The best part is that, once you’ve dispatched Sheteptawy once and for all, you’ve still got the most spectacular lighting displays of anyone else in town.

So maybe it’s not a curse after all!

AppliancesConnection.com presents “Spiderlegs Everywhere”

ImageDon’t you get it, Danny? Now we can pack up and move just like that.

Sure, maybe it’s a little spartan, but think of the convenience!  I’ve consolidated our entire house into a series of lightweight, portable briefcases. That’s the beauty of Spiderlegs.

No, your mom is going to absolutely love it. Don’t like the neighbors? Well, saddle up, Cindy Lou, because every single item of furniture in our house is now a Spiderlegs folding table or chair. My office? Spiderlegs. Our living room? Spiderlegs. Our dining room? Spiderlegs. Spiderlegs everywhere. Now, if that little feud of your mother’s with Mrs. Potts next door gets any worse, we can pretty easily bolt.

These beauties will fold up at the drop of a hat. It takes maybe three seconds — five at the outside — and you’ve gone from the sturdiest bench you’ve ever put your butt on to a wooden carrying case that only weighs twelve pounds. We could have this whole house broken down and ready to be emptied out quicker than a speakeasy with a squealer. What better way to say to your neighbors “I really don’t appreciate that tree you planted next to the property line” than by ducking out like a thief in the night, leaving only the tattered remains of that above-ground pool we never finished rotting in the backyard, in full view of Mrs. Potts’ veranda? We could be out of here in an hour, Danny.

Seriously. This chair folds faster than a pair of twos on a fifty-thousand-dollar pot. You could break an office down in under eight seconds if you had to. Not saying that you’ll have to.

And then, the next thing you know, we’re holing up in an apartment in Reno, ready to bolt at a moment’s notice. Spiderlegs lets you set up and tear down quick and easy. And it’s not just practical, kiddo — look at that finish! That’s red mahogany over the choicest birch solids. Birch, Danny. And they even do custom sizes! Yessirree Bob. This is the furniture for us.

Yup, I’ve pulled out all the stops, and the moment — the moment — your mother says the word we are going to be out of here.

I’m just saying we might need to cool our heels in Mexico for a while.


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