presents “The Ninth of Thermador”

Bobby, hold on. Can I talk to you for a minute? You can run to lunch right after.

Ok, so, I got your paper. I had assigned you to do a report on the Thermidorian Reaction, you know, the 1794 internal revolt within the Committee of Public Safety that overthrew Robespierre and the Reign of Terror during the French Revolution. When I assigned this, I had expected some pretty basic features — the Montagnard conspiracy, Jean-Lambert Tallien’s scathing denunciation on the floor of the Hall of Liberty, Antoine Saint-Just speechless before his enemies. You know, the bare outline of the coup. Not even any terribly interesting insights.

You know what I got? Let me just read this.

“The Thermador Pro-Harmony PRL486GDH Pro-Style Gas Range is a marvel of domestic engineering. Revolutionary in its scope, its Star burners provide unparalleled evenness in cooking and  its Quick-Clean Base allows for easy cleanup. Along with rust-proof titanium construction and cast iron grating, it also has a truly massive oven capacity at 4.4 cubic feet.”

Bobby, is this serious? Thermidor, Thermador. I get it. But did you honestly think I wanted a report on major household appliances for our unit on the French Revolution? I don’t care how evenly the Star-burners heat, or the optimal coverage they provide for pots and pans of any size. I don’t care about the powerful 22,000 BTU baking burners, or its superior convection function, or its removable griddle. I expected a report on a major moment of French Revolutionary history.

Although this oven does sound pretty nice. Does it seriously have a 1630 watt electric griddle? And full access telescopic racks? Man. That’s nuts. This really sounds like something I could use.

But that’s no excuse. You gave me two pages about a gas stove rather than seven pages about the downfall of Robespierre, and that can’t — it has simmer options that range between 375 to 3,500 BTU? And a thermostatically controlled grill?

Ok, Bobby. I’ll let it slide this time. But next time you pull something like this, it better be about a pretty awesome juicer.

The revolution is never-ending at where the Thermador PRL486GDH Pro Harmony 48″ Pro-Style Gas Range is still available.


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